Old people

Today I laid in my grandma's lap.
I was scared but warm at the same time.

Somehow, I feel scared now,
scared to grow up
scared to stand up
scared to look up and see what i want not there.
when i grow up those i love will be gone
and i am scared.
I'd love to grow up faster but not now, not when I realize that they might be there.

I realized the way i live is to hurt those i love the most so i don't feel the hurt.
but i want to love them and show them that love
but it's too hard
but i can't
but i'm afraid
but there are too many buts

I am afraid that one day I will have to face the day without them
I don't want to face the day that they leave
that they are gone forever and will never come back
i want to take them out
treat them to a nice dinner
take them to interesting places
All I want to do is love them more than ever
squeeze them in big bear hugs
smother their cheeks with kisses
hold their soft weathered hands
and love them with all i have

I can feel the time get shorter and I am scared
People say you can almost predict a death, a bad omen
so why do i feel this way in such a warm lap?

And all this lying in my grandma's lap.

Grandma I love you. Please don't suddenly leave. I will miss you too much.